Jameson is 1

A year ago tonight we went to bed for the last time as a family three. Even though I knew you would come soon I didn't know that the next day would be one of the best days of my life. I didn't know how you would calmly make your way into the world and into our hearts.

I woke up early and knew it was your day. I didn't wake daddy up. I knew it was the last time the two of us would have such an inside secret. We worked through it together. Your birth didn't "happen" to us- it was us. Your birth gave me life too. Your birth gave me and daddy a new hope for life.

You fit perfectly. You're a lover. You're an observer and then an doer. For the first 6 months of life you let your daddy rock you to sleep which is so different from your brother but was a perfect time for you and daddy to get to know each other. You're quiet. You like to figure things out. You didn't crawl. You rolled and then you walked. You have beautiful curls. You have six little teeth. You still have a hint of a farmers tan and you have the sweetest dimples.

You love books, and dogs, the itsy bitsy spider, and the "you are my sunshine" song. You will try anything I feed you and like it all. You love "driving" down dirt roads, going for walks in gram and papa's fields, horses, the theme song to "the office", green beans, peach yogurt, bath time, bike rides with daddy, and you love your brother.

If there is one thing I know I was put on this earth for, it was to be a momma to you and to Jack. In a million lifetimes I am positive we would find each other again and again. Our souls know each other- they came from the same place. Thank you for choosing me. You have a beautiful soul and I look forward to what life will bring your way.

Sleep tight my sweet Jameson because each tomorrow is yours. I love you forever.

Momma





"Every night they fall asleep with me in between them. One nursing and one hugging me. I'm so used to them I don't even need to see their faces to know they are asleep. I can feel it. We come from the same place. Our hearts have shared the same spaces. Once I get up they almost always move towards each other. Brothers. I'm so happy I get to be their momma".

my rainbow

My Jameson Fitz,

the very beginning... i was afraid to love you... you scared me at 7 weeks. during that ultrasound i didn't even want to acknowledge that you would be okay. at the 20 week ultrasound i sobbed uncontrollably, like for two hours and then off and on again for a few days... i promise i really was excited to see you. i couldn't believe you were there. your perfect little spine, your obvious signs of being a little boy, and your sweet tiny hands were all there and I knew that I already loved you more than life.

the middle...once we got past the first 25 weeks i could feel myself find some peace. you and me, we learned how to meditate. we prayed together. we took baths with music and candles. we read books with brother and took lots of walks while he rode his little bike. we loved bear claw ice cream, any kind of cereal, and ice cubes (like a mountain of ice cubes), we learned how to handle things that are outside of our control. i learned that i'm stronger than i thought i was. we met awesome people like our hypno birth instructor and our midwife who were sent by heaven to help me deal with my fears.

birthday...  your journey earth side started at five am on a tuesday. i slept thru it for a few hours. we got jack joe off to school and then headed to the hospital. you, me, and daddy hypno birthed like bosses with no meds- i am really proud of that. your birth was amazing. i literally fell in love at first sight. so did daddy. and so did aunt rae and grams.

 

you have been the sweetest baby. you are so gentle and easy. you love your brother and he loves you. i have prayed for a good relationship between the two of you since before either of you were born. you're already funny. you smile all of the time. you have a stubborn streak and, God help us, but you also have the family temper on rare occasions. you like my singing and you love nursing even more.you are my rainbow baby. you're a lover. you're the one who made my heart expand more than i ever knew was possible.

i. love. you.

love momma

4

Happy birthday, my sweet boy. Four years ago I discovered what I was put on this earth to do and be. You've brought sun to our lives and we love you. It has been a very busy year. You are a patient boy and have managed to still love me even thru all of my parenting fails. You became a big brother with grace and a protector immediately. You are, inherently, a bear when it comes to protecting the ones you love.

This year God has taught me a few things through you:

1.) To stop and smell the roses. I caught myself constantly saying, "hurry up". You, my beautiful son, are NOT in a hurry... And that is OK. I see more and explore more and read one more story because of you. 

2.) Children/people don't respond well to yelling. In a battle of the strong wills, between you and I, I have been known to raise my voice. Yelling at you is aweful. I end up feeling terrible and we both might cry. Yelling at a child is disrespectful and sends the wrong message. I promise I'm still going to screw that up but year 3 of your life has taught me that a gentle word, eye contact, and a guiding hand are the way to teach.

Things that I have loved this year... You love your Jameson so much. You say, "I love you" a million times a day. You give kisses. You think old people with white hair have "ghost hair"- not sure where you came up with it but I laugh every time. You successfully use big words like "delicious", "luscious", "ridiculous", "scandalous", "terrible", "tragic", "glorious",  and "incredible". And then you turn around and sing at the top of your lungs the words to the song from The Grinch.  You hate the Happy Birthday song. You've officially kicked me out of the bathroom when you have to go because you are "a big boy". But you still like to be held like a baby sometimes and love to take baths with me. You love carrots and cucumbers, cheese it's and chocolate teddy grams, Friday nights at Grammie and Pappa's house. Time with Uncle and Rae Rae. You're sad when everyone goes home and can't wait until "all of my peeps are back together again". You like hotels and room service- ya get that from me (nothing beats a 5 star in the city). You fight with and love your daddy fiercely- you are twins. You're sensitive to noise and hate to be the center of attention. You love one on one time. 

You do this cute little thing when you're really really happy- you will hug whoever you're with and say, "just look at us". I think it's like you are taking a mental photo. I know that's what I do when we have a minute like that.

I could go forever talking about you but I'll end with parts of your favorite songs...

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

&

There's always tomorrow,
For dreams to come true,
Believe in your dreams
Come what may.

I sense that you have a big purpose. You have a gentle soul and are open to God's direction. This will be an amazing year. I love you forever. 

Love,

Momma