For Jack- 6th birthday

Dear Jack, 

Happy sixth trip around the sun baby. It’s been a great year and I am so proud of how you are growing up. You’re teaching us so much and learning so much and it’s interesting to watch you develop your own ideas and set of beliefs. 

This is the year that really cemented in our minds that you are not the type of kid to “go with the flow”. We tried to force you into the normal flow of kindergarten. While you were doing well academically it wasn’t the right place spiritually or emotionally for you. You were a triangle being shoved into circle. We lost some of You for a while but we are getting back to good again. We prayed and talked and tested and after lots of consideration decided that you (and our family) at least for now are going to take another path. 

I’m proud and exhausted by your ability to reason. I know you’re destined for good things in life. I don’t ever want you to think I expect too much of you but I will guide you as best as I can. If, at the end of the day, I can say that my son is well read, well traveled, still respects his momma, takes care of those in need,  and loves his family then I will feel that I have done my job well. 

I love so much about the last year but especially the following:

You still call us “momma” and “daddy”

You and brother sneak into each other’s beds most nights

You can’t wait to have a “sister girl”

You love Friday nights with grams and papa and Tuesday afternoons with Mimi 

Mouse trap is your favorite game (even though I hate it- I like that you love it)

I love kicking your butt (and daddy’s) at scrabble

You “can’t shut off” your mind at night- that’s because you’re intelligent and you will get some of your best ideas if you listen hard. 

You hold hands with brother

You love your little cousins

You have strong political opinions- I’m not even making this up. 

I can’t let you watch the news because the world upsets you- this speaks volumes about your tender heart and I love that about you

You stand up for fairness

You are funny 

Don’t be afraid to be who you are. You were put here for a reason. Being normal is a trap. Explore and taste everything the world has to offer. 

I love you forever. Thank you for teaching me to be a momma. It’s an honor that you chose our family. 

Love,

Momma girl

Jameson: Chapter 2

I held you as you fell asleep tonight. It is your last night as a one year old. I tried to soak up all the things that make you so perfect. I never want to forget the sticky little boy hands, the sweaty little curls, and the way you hold my hand while you drift from this world to the land of dreams. 

I'll always be thankful for the way you happened. I love that when you came to us you were soft and peaceful. You were exactly what I didn't know I needed. The year you were born was so challenging. I cried myself to sleep the night you were born- from relief because you were here- from fear of the future- from worry about money- from hoping I would be a good enough mom to you and Jack. You were so gentle in how you joined our family. You brought a peace and an ease to my heart. You were the missing piece in my heart. 

All the mushy stuff aside- you're hilarious kid!You make me laugh all day. Your toothy little grin and the way you run around the singing, "happy, happy, happy" just melt my heart. You love your brother-like a lot. You also know how to irritate the heck out of him- you're such a little bro. 

In August you finally had tubes put in- at that point you started talking- and you haven't stopped yet. 

You're a daredevil. You're on the kitchen counter trying to make toast or jumping off the couch or climbing into the fort. You never stop until you fall asleep. 

You eat anything. Tomatoes off the vine, shrimp, mac and cheese- literally anything. And also you can't function in the morning until you've had your juice. 

I'm so happy we get to be together every day one on one. It's been so good for you to be alone when Jack is at school. You're little personality has really come alive.

Things I hope to always remember: your love of Daniel tiger, how much you love papa, the way you say "stop" and "Lu" and "mama". The deep love of all things motorized, the way you hug brother before school, how much you love horses  at grams, how you yell "Mimi", the fact that you like your toes painted, and the way you roar like a dinosaur.

I said all of that to say this-

Happy birthday Jamie boy.

I'll love you way past forever.

Momma

Jack is five!

They say it goes fast and it always surprises me when it does. I can't believe you've been mine to care for and teach for five whole years. I wouldn't trade any of that time for anything. The year of four has been a time of discovering your voice and opinions and convictions. The fourth year was up and down but mostly up. It was a full year of traveling, trying new things, loving old things, and being a big brother.

The past year you pushed your boundaries. You questioned everything and "tried" not to hear us. You tried (as most children do) to play us against each other sometimes and thankfully we learned and stopped it. This has been an important year for you to learn boundaries and for us as parents to grow as a team.

This past year has been so big for you! A few months ago you interrupted a Bible story and told me you wanted to ask Jesus into your life. I was so proud and thankful to have been there for you in that minute and to have been the one to teach you up to that time in your life.

We spent two weeks on a family trip. You loved every second on Marco Island. You loved exploring the little "sea creatures", building in the sand, and "only getting my toes wet in the sea".

You have become a fierce protector - of your brother, your momma, and anyone else you love.

You're a little environmentalist. If I had allowed it you would have gone to Standing Rock. You also love the trees and actually suggested standing in front of a forest to "stop the greedy people who ruin forests" (sorry, not sorry I've rubbed off on you). You caught your first fish (and put it back) and you grew your own vegetables in the garden with daddy.

We learned how to meditate. We learned how to stand in the sun and say thank you to the earth for letting us take part. You learned how to breathe deep and feel to earth beneath your feet.

You've learned to read small words. You spend time with Grams a few days a week learning your letters. You sounded out CAT a few weeks ago and I was so happy I think I embarrassed you.I love that Grams taught me to read and she is teaching you to read too. There's something really special about that.

I can't wait to see what the year of five brings to you. Together, we (daddy, you, and me) are building up the foundation for your whole life and I think it's turning out really beautiful. I love you so much it hurts. You make your daddy and me proud. You're a beautiful person. Happiest of birthday to you, my precious boy. I'll love you always.

I think Audrey sings it best. Moon River is the song I give to you for this year:

Two drifters, off to see the world
There's such a lot of world to see
We're after the same rainbow's end, waitin' 'round the bend
My huckleberry friend, moon river, and me.

Jameson is 1

A year ago tonight we went to bed for the last time as a family three. Even though I knew you would come soon I didn't know that the next day would be one of the best days of my life. I didn't know how you would calmly make your way into the world and into our hearts.

I woke up early and knew it was your day. I didn't wake daddy up. I knew it was the last time the two of us would have such an inside secret. We worked through it together. Your birth didn't "happen" to us- it was us. Your birth gave me life too. Your birth gave me and daddy a new hope for life.

You fit perfectly. You're a lover. You're an observer and then an doer. For the first 6 months of life you let your daddy rock you to sleep which is so different from your brother but was a perfect time for you and daddy to get to know each other. You're quiet. You like to figure things out. You didn't crawl. You rolled and then you walked. You have beautiful curls. You have six little teeth. You still have a hint of a farmers tan and you have the sweetest dimples.

You love books, and dogs, the itsy bitsy spider, and the "you are my sunshine" song. You will try anything I feed you and like it all. You love "driving" down dirt roads, going for walks in gram and papa's fields, horses, the theme song to "the office", green beans, peach yogurt, bath time, bike rides with daddy, and you love your brother.

If there is one thing I know I was put on this earth for, it was to be a momma to you and to Jack. In a million lifetimes I am positive we would find each other again and again. Our souls know each other- they came from the same place. Thank you for choosing me. You have a beautiful soul and I look forward to what life will bring your way.

Sleep tight my sweet Jameson because each tomorrow is yours. I love you forever.

Momma





"Every night they fall asleep with me in between them. One nursing and one hugging me. I'm so used to them I don't even need to see their faces to know they are asleep. I can feel it. We come from the same place. Our hearts have shared the same spaces. Once I get up they almost always move towards each other. Brothers. I'm so happy I get to be their momma".

my rainbow

My Jameson Fitz,

the very beginning... i was afraid to love you... you scared me at 7 weeks. during that ultrasound i didn't even want to acknowledge that you would be okay. at the 20 week ultrasound i sobbed uncontrollably, like for two hours and then off and on again for a few days... i promise i really was excited to see you. i couldn't believe you were there. your perfect little spine, your obvious signs of being a little boy, and your sweet tiny hands were all there and I knew that I already loved you more than life.

the middle...once we got past the first 25 weeks i could feel myself find some peace. you and me, we learned how to meditate. we prayed together. we took baths with music and candles. we read books with brother and took lots of walks while he rode his little bike. we loved bear claw ice cream, any kind of cereal, and ice cubes (like a mountain of ice cubes), we learned how to handle things that are outside of our control. i learned that i'm stronger than i thought i was. we met awesome people like our hypno birth instructor and our midwife who were sent by heaven to help me deal with my fears.

birthday...  your journey earth side started at five am on a tuesday. i slept thru it for a few hours. we got jack joe off to school and then headed to the hospital. you, me, and daddy hypno birthed like bosses with no meds- i am really proud of that. your birth was amazing. i literally fell in love at first sight. so did daddy. and so did aunt rae and grams.

 

you have been the sweetest baby. you are so gentle and easy. you love your brother and he loves you. i have prayed for a good relationship between the two of you since before either of you were born. you're already funny. you smile all of the time. you have a stubborn streak and, God help us, but you also have the family temper on rare occasions. you like my singing and you love nursing even more.you are my rainbow baby. you're a lover. you're the one who made my heart expand more than i ever knew was possible.

i. love. you.

love momma

4

Happy birthday, my sweet boy. Four years ago I discovered what I was put on this earth to do and be. You've brought sun to our lives and we love you. It has been a very busy year. You are a patient boy and have managed to still love me even thru all of my parenting fails. You became a big brother with grace and a protector immediately. You are, inherently, a bear when it comes to protecting the ones you love.

This year God has taught me a few things through you:

1.) To stop and smell the roses. I caught myself constantly saying, "hurry up". You, my beautiful son, are NOT in a hurry... And that is OK. I see more and explore more and read one more story because of you. 

2.) Children/people don't respond well to yelling. In a battle of the strong wills, between you and I, I have been known to raise my voice. Yelling at you is aweful. I end up feeling terrible and we both might cry. Yelling at a child is disrespectful and sends the wrong message. I promise I'm still going to screw that up but year 3 of your life has taught me that a gentle word, eye contact, and a guiding hand are the way to teach.

Things that I have loved this year... You love your Jameson so much. You say, "I love you" a million times a day. You give kisses. You think old people with white hair have "ghost hair"- not sure where you came up with it but I laugh every time. You successfully use big words like "delicious", "luscious", "ridiculous", "scandalous", "terrible", "tragic", "glorious",  and "incredible". And then you turn around and sing at the top of your lungs the words to the song from The Grinch.  You hate the Happy Birthday song. You've officially kicked me out of the bathroom when you have to go because you are "a big boy". But you still like to be held like a baby sometimes and love to take baths with me. You love carrots and cucumbers, cheese it's and chocolate teddy grams, Friday nights at Grammie and Pappa's house. Time with Uncle and Rae Rae. You're sad when everyone goes home and can't wait until "all of my peeps are back together again". You like hotels and room service- ya get that from me (nothing beats a 5 star in the city). You fight with and love your daddy fiercely- you are twins. You're sensitive to noise and hate to be the center of attention. You love one on one time. 

You do this cute little thing when you're really really happy- you will hug whoever you're with and say, "just look at us". I think it's like you are taking a mental photo. I know that's what I do when we have a minute like that.

I could go forever talking about you but I'll end with parts of your favorite songs...

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

&

There's always tomorrow,
For dreams to come true,
Believe in your dreams
Come what may.

I sense that you have a big purpose. You have a gentle soul and are open to God's direction. This will be an amazing year. I love you forever. 

Love,

Momma

My Firstborn

i want to let you know how much you mean to me since the next few months will be both magical and hard and things are about to drastically change. I love your tender soul- how you know when I'm sad or frustrated and even though you are three you try to make things better. I love your heart and how you love so hard- youre protective of me and you are fiercely loyal. I love that you have been my best little friend for 3 years, 7 months, and 6 days. I wasn't ready for you or how hard I would love you. You made me a momma and a better person. You are my favorite part of life.

i don't know that you, daddy, and I are ready for our new baby but I do know that ready or not he is coming and once he is here we will all fall in love with each other even more. I can't wait to watch you grow with him and teach him and watch our hearts expand with more love than we think is possible.

I will always love you. You're my favorite Jack in the world.

momma