Pax

Jack and I just finished one of the best books I’ve ever read. You all have enough time right now. Go buy “Pax”.
“It's a Buddhist concept. Nonduality. It's about oneness, about how things that seem to be separate are really connected to one another. There are no separations...This is not just a piece of wood. This is also the clouds that brought the rain that watered the tree, and the birds that nested in it and the squirrels that fed on its nuts. It is also the food my grandparents fed me that made me strong enough to cut the tree, and it's the steel in the axe I used. And it's how you know your fox, which allowed you to carve him yesterday. And it's the story you will tell your children when you give this to them. All these things are separate but also one, inseparable. Do you see?”
-Sara Pennypacker, Pax

It’s a kids book but literally a life changing and deep story.

My Jack is 8

I’m late. Like 2 months. But I finally wrote my birthday letter to Jack.
Jack. My sweet, frustrating, and lovable Jack. I can’t believe you are 8 years old. The last year you have grown so much! You are the most curious person I know. You love to learn about how things work and why.
You love to be with your people- I think that’s the thing I discovered most this year. Your love language is quality time. I never realized the huge impact a ten or twenty minute one-on-one section of time could have on a person. You need the interaction to feel loved and valued. I really love being able to do things with you. I love going to your class on Thursday mornings- getting to see you in a different light and watching how that part of your life affects you as a little person.

Some of my favorite memories from the last year...
•we visited the Henry Ford- you inspected the trains, you evaluated the inventions. It made me so happy to watch you learn.
•we climbed that huge hill/little mountain in the fairy glen on the isle of Skye. It was magic. We discovered our strength. We encouraged each other. And on that day you discovered that you liked adventure and risk- it’s honestly one of my very favorite and proudest memories. Of my entire life.
•you found out you love jumping off the diving board
•that time you took me into the corn field next to the house on Marlette Road. It was so exciting for you to have followed a “pod of quail” into the secret room.
•every post Malone song we love (and I pretend to not approve of).
•how we worked thru anxiety in the Dublin airport.
•every time you took the time to make sure vivi knows you love her.
•the rare (but increasing) moments when you and Jamie are very best friends.
•the way we have fallen in love with all books by Mac Barnett.
•you still call me “momma”
•the way we soberly read about grey’s death in the book Pax.
•the way you beg for “one more chapter”.
•the way you want me to still let you fall asleep in my bed on Saturday nights.
You make me want to be a better person. I want everything for you. I want you to know that no means no. I want you to know that you aren’t the center of the universe. I want you to know that kindness can’t be faked, money doesn’t buy taste, and you don’t need to be everyone’s friend. I want you to travel. I want you to care about the earth. I want you to respect others and to know your worth. Be kind. Be brave. Be vulnerable. Live a life you’re proud of and don’t ever stop dreaming.
Happy 8th birthday. I love you always.
Momma

Happy 4th Birthday Jameson

To my sweet Jamie boy,

I’m late. Again. And my favorite thing about you is that you will understand. You’re my baby boy and my middle kid and that makes you so much more understanding than the other two. I hate that I don’t always get to you right away. I work on it and work at making sure you feel loved and important but I’m pretty sure I drop the ball from time to time but you love me anyways. 

I love doing things with you. I love seeing you come fully alive when you’re being the center of attention. You are a funny kid and you know how to make me laugh. 

Since I was the oldest kid in my family I always assumed that the oldest was the natural caretaker. But you taught me something new- you like to take care of people too. You keep sister out of trouble and bring her back if she tries to run out of the yard. You always make sure that you get enough of whatever you are given to share with your siblings. You surprise me - and I think it’s important that you know - Jack made me a momma but you have made me a better momma and person. And I love you so much.

I love that you always want to be with us. I love that you love going to see your friends at day care. I love that you always put your Jamie spin on words- you add an “L” to basically every word. You call the people at daycare the “daycare guys”. You love peanut butter and making cheese-sticks have crazy hair. 

My favorite memory of you from this year was when the two of us were at the grocery store and I let you ride the penny ride- the little elephant one. It was perfect. Your smile was perfect and I made your whole day perfect just by paying attention to what you liked. I love that minute in our lives. 

You love your blue tiger, your baby dumbo, blue berry yogurt, fruit smoothies, comfy clothes, stories about your little friends, back scratches at bedtime, bath time and bath bombs, going to the library, going to grams and Mimi’s, and you love your family.

We are so lucky to have you. I always say you were everything we ever needed in a little brother and a best friend.

Thanks for picking our crazy family baby doll.

Love,

Momma 

Sweet Vivianne is 1!

Today is my baby’s first birthday. I write this for her but I share it with all of you for a very specific reason. I hope it inspires you all to write. Write to your children. Write to your significant other. Write to yourself. Just write.

My sweet little Vivianne,

I didn’t even know what I was missing until I met you. You’re the best parts of me, but even better. You’re a gentle soul. You’re sweet and you’re already scrappy. You’re my last baby and my best girl. Your existence completed mine.

I didn’t think I’d ever have a girl. I really didn’t. I absolutely loved our family before you and God decided that we were the right fit for you. Now I can’t even describe how much better we all are because of you.

Your brothers adore you- you keep them gentle. And you created a fierce protectiveness in them that I didn’t realize existed. One of your first words was “sister” - because you are their little “sister-girl” and they call to you all the time. They hug you, fight over you, sneak you into their room when they are supposed to be sleeping because they just want to spend a little bit more time with you.

You love your grandparents. Snacking with Grammy Hall, loving on Grams, pulling papas beard, and playing toys at Mimi’s.

Things I never want to forget: your soft little hands, your sweet smelling hair, and the way you run to me. Your love of vanilla yogurt and the little sounds you make while eating it. The way you melt into your daddy or me when we dance with you. The way you wake up in the morning (smack your lips, sigh contentedly, and smile). The way you stop everything when I ask if you want to nurse. Your sweet and clumsy little wave. The way you run to daddy when you’re sad. You’re the happiest baby I have ever seen. The crazy grin when you accomplish something new. And the funny little obsession you have with wearing aprons.

I can’t accurately explain how blessed and thankful I am that you chose me to be your momma.  Even though I didn’t expect to have you, I have had a lifetime of planning for us. I can’t wait to do everything together. When I found out you were on your way I immediately pictured us planning for proms, college, vacations, a wedding- the nurse laughed at me. But I was so excited I couldn’t stop!

I hope that you always know that I will always love you. There is nothing that can change that. I will always listen- to heartbreak and disappointments, to successes and plans and dreams. I am, and will always be, your biggest fan. May you see the world and have the ability to see beauty in even the ugliest of situations. May you understand that beauty is deeper than skin. May you know the value of the written word. May you know that love is more than a word. And may you know that you are enough.

Happy birthday sister girl.

I love you. Always.

-Momma

Jack is 7

Every year, since your birth, I have written you a letter. I write so that our emotions and memories will not be forgotten in the passing of days. I write to you so that the value of day-to-day life can be revisited and re-understood with fresh eyes as we both grow.  I write to you so you understand the value of the written word.

I always say that you have taught me how to be a momma. You teach me every day and I teach you too- how to write, how to read, how to add 1,000 + 75. I teach you how to understand your emotions, how to be a good person, and how to pick your dirty clothes up off the floor. The things that you teach me are so much more significant- how to be patient, how to stay curious, how to see things with new eyes, and how to meet others where they are. 

I’ve thought about it a lot and I think that, while you were born seven years ago, our souls have always been together. I think it’s like that- momma and baby, together from the beginning of time. 

I pray that this year is amazing for you. I pray that you continue to learn the importance of being kind, of standing up for yourself and others, and I pray that you understand and appreciate the value of exploring the world around us. The entire world- I hope you see it all. My goal in life is to raise kind, well read, and well traveled humans. 

You make me proud. Be happy. Know I will always have your back. I will always love you.

Happy birthday Baby.

Momma 💕

2,558. That’s the number of days you’ve been earth-side.

Jameson is 3!

Where to start... you turned 3! And you loved every second of your birthday. You were so specific about what you wanted- a “tractor cakey with sprinkles”. We had a lovely day and, at your request, spent the day with your people at grams house. 

Two was a delightful year. Seriously it was. This summer was one of my favorites that I can remember. In this year you became a big brother. You take the role as seriously as I always hoped you would. You love hard and are fiercely protective. Your sister-girl adores you and you’re Jack’s best friend. 

You’re a copy cat this year. You do everything that Jack does. You’re quiet when you don’t want to be left out but you have a presence that makes people notice you. You’ve a strong will and a strong opinions. 

You have the cutest little teeth and the sweetest smile- which you need because your dimples have helped you get out of trouble more than once. 

You get so excited about life and really into new fun things- we got a flyer for Disney in the mail- you carried it sound for days and fell asleep with it. We obviously went and you loved it- especially the “slinky dog”. 

You love when I rub your back as you fall asleep. You love to be held and hugged. I love the innocence of that. You just love.

I know we will have a great year. I am so happy you’re my baby. You’re a good boy. You make me proud to be your momma. I’ll love you forever and just a little bit more too.

Love,

Momma 

For Jack- 6th birthday

Dear Jack, 

Happy sixth trip around the sun baby. It’s been a great year and I am so proud of how you are growing up. You’re teaching us so much and learning so much and it’s interesting to watch you develop your own ideas and set of beliefs. 

This is the year that really cemented in our minds that you are not the type of kid to “go with the flow”. We tried to force you into the normal flow of kindergarten. While you were doing well academically it wasn’t the right place spiritually or emotionally for you. You were a triangle being shoved into circle. We lost some of You for a while but we are getting back to good again. We prayed and talked and tested and after lots of consideration decided that you (and our family) at least for now are going to take another path. 

I’m proud and exhausted by your ability to reason. I know you’re destined for good things in life. I don’t ever want you to think I expect too much of you but I will guide you as best as I can. If, at the end of the day, I can say that my son is well read, well traveled, still respects his momma, takes care of those in need,  and loves his family then I will feel that I have done my job well. 

I love so much about the last year but especially the following:

You still call us “momma” and “daddy”

You and brother sneak into each other’s beds most nights

You can’t wait to have a “sister girl”

You love Friday nights with grams and papa and Tuesday afternoons with Mimi 

Mouse trap is your favorite game (even though I hate it- I like that you love it)

I love kicking your butt (and daddy’s) at scrabble

You “can’t shut off” your mind at night- that’s because you’re intelligent and you will get some of your best ideas if you listen hard. 

You hold hands with brother

You love your little cousins

You have strong political opinions- I’m not even making this up. 

I can’t let you watch the news because the world upsets you- this speaks volumes about your tender heart and I love that about you

You stand up for fairness

You are funny 

Don’t be afraid to be who you are. You were put here for a reason. Being normal is a trap. Explore and taste everything the world has to offer. 

I love you forever. Thank you for teaching me to be a momma. It’s an honor that you chose our family. 

Love,

Momma girl